The job hunt has been ridiculous. My last endeavor turned out to be a fool's errand, and to be honest, who would want to work for J.P. Morgan? Satan's own skin would start to burn if he were to enter unto their chambers. I'll work for no one even remotely affiliated with Chase.
My mom's own job, meanwhile, is most likely approaching its end. There was a merger, you see. My father? Still working at his dead-end job making fuck-all per hour--gets kept late on the boss's whim, and still can't even afford to make car payments on his fucking expensive truck--one of his many wise and well thought-out purchases. My sister? Trying to find a place to live, and running out of options. My brother? Who cares--just being his old self, oblivious to everything around him. The past six years have been a mutual, steady decline for the members of our family. Even the relatives--yes, even the token "well-off" aunt is having a hard time now. If I believed in such things, I'd say that my whole family was cursed. This bullshit started before the economy went south... but at least we're in good company now. Besides, I know the real reason my family is in such deep shit, and it has more to do with shitty decision-making skills, fucked-up priorities, and lack of foresight than it does hexes and sorcery.
The writing is the only thing that's keeping me afloat anymore. It's the one thing in which I feel like I'm making progress. Well, that's not entirely true. At least I'm getting actual interviews, as opposed to being disregarded. It's just frustrating to see everyone else's lives deteriorating all around me--it's like we're a herd of cattle that's sinking into quicksand, each of us too stupid or weak to escape, and pulling each other down at the same time. I don't like it, but I'm starting to resent everyone around me for being as much of a failure as I am.
I'm losing it, clearly. That isn't how rational people think--you can't resent someone because they are in the same boat as you! If I keep it up with this cannibalistic resentment of my own flesh and blood, I could do some serious damage, and aside from the obvious (that I don't want to damage my relationships to the ones I love), I can't afford to piss everyone off right now. Literally.
I had the greatest idea today, though. I could get on one of those river boats to Navy Pier while Tourist Season is still on. I could go up to the deck with a huge rock in my arms, and jump off in front of everyone. Of course, I'd make sure that there were plenty of young, impressionable day-campers watching, perhaps some sensitive old people, families--and they'd all get to watch some random stranger plummet to her death and drown in the filthy Chicago River! Or maybe I could do something more bloody... but the thing to remember here is that I'm not going for sympathy, but for pure shock-value. The only regret would be that I couldn't see their faces as I die.
Then again, it would be my luck that the people on the boat would be too thick-headed to understand what just transpired in front of them...
Anyway, there's no way in fucking Hell I'd ever do that, just to let you know. I can't lay down and die like a bitch just because life sucks--that's weak! Then again, so is having a Livejournal account, probably.
Anyway, I hope I have something better to say next time I stop by.